When it might be time for some loving distance

Calling a partner time-out is imperative when you notice that either of you are becoming over-

or under-activated and losing your sense of we in an interaction. Agreeing upon your time-out

terms in a calm moment, rather than in the middle of an argument, greatly increases your

chances of success. Terms often include:

• A standard amount of time (e.g., twenty minutes, or an hour, or whatever length of time you

find optimal). Any amendment to the length of the time-out requires full agreement from both

partners.

• Agreement that either of you can call the time-out when you believe the break would be

beneficial. Perhaps you could think of yourselves as co-coaches for the same team in a

championship game. When there is an important play coming up, you call the time-out so the

players can stretch, get a drink of water, and remember their game plan.

• Agreement to immediately honor the time-out when it’s called.

• Agreement to take responsibility for doing your best to return yourself to a calm emotional

state during your time-out. How? By any healthy means, using all you’ve learned in therapy

and in life. You could even prepare to have some favorite reading material nearby.

Researchers have found that the exercise of reading a magazine can reduce the emotional

and physiological flooding of partners who are in conflict (Gottman and Gottman, 2018).

• Agreement to do your best to get in touch with the vulnerable feeling in yourself (usually

some flavor of sad, mad, or scared/worried), and make a conscious choice whether or not to

share that vulnerable feeling. If you do decide to share, attempt to do so with both the words

and the energy of vulnerability. Remember, telling the other person what they did wrong or

demanding what you need isn’t a vulnerable feeling.

• You might also give some thought to who will be sharing their vulnerability and who will be

offering their care first when you meet after your time-out. Ideally, you will switch places

during the conversation so you are both experiencing the giving and the receiving of care.

• Optional: a playful time-out ritual such as using a fun code word in place of “time-out,”

wearing funny hats, starting with a hug, or anything that helps you remember you’re in this

together.

Adapted from “Spotlight of Love: Insights and Skills for Couples.” Copyright © 2022 Cheli

Lange